27 Tweets You’ll Find Really Funny Once You’ve Been Married A Long Time
After two people have been married for some time, they know each other pretty darn well — their quirks, their triggers, their good habits and their not-so-great ones too. (We’re looking at you, husband who never replaces the toilet paper roll.)
But some of those weird or annoying things your spouse does ― whether it’s screaming at the TV during football season or eating from your secret candy stash ― are surprisingly universal.
Below, we’ve compiled 27 relatable tweets that get funnier the longer you’ve been married.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) September 9, 2018
Wife: I'm behind on my sleep. I need to catch up.
Me: How much more do you need?
Wife: Just a year. Maybe two.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) July 17, 2018
WHY WON'T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
— JPo (@Peauxtassium) September 9, 2018
No thanks, THIS IS US. If I wanted my wife to cry before going to bed, I’d remind her that she forgot to make the kids’ lunches.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) September 7, 2018
Before getting married, I didn't know there's a wrong way to breathe.
— karanbir singh (@karanbirtinna) July 31, 2018
Can somebody PLEASE make my husband stop referring to blueberries as bloobs?
— Aη∂ι (@AlmightyBored) July 2, 2018
What’s it called when you agree to do something your wife asks you to do but still get in trouble for making the wrong facial expression when you agree to do it?
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) September 2, 2018
"Look, I'm wearing a shirt without holes in it"
– Me, trying to impress my wife
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) August 30, 2018
Dating: I would climb the highest mountain for you, swim the deepest ocean, etc..
Married: I love you, but not enough to change the toilet paper roll.
— Joel (@joeljeffrey) August 20, 2018
Husband finished lecturing the kids about keeping their windows shut cuz the AC was on and his cargo shorts sprouted 4 new pockets
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) September 7, 2018
wife: [watching the news] some idiot tried to fight a squid at the aquarium
me: [covered in ink] maybe the squid was being a dick
— andrew (@AndrewChamings) August 30, 2018
Alexa, why does my husband ask me questions he could just ask you instead?
— Jo 💫 (@Just__J0) August 21, 2018
I told my wife I saw a huge spider crawl into our basement pantry so my secret stash of Twix should safe for a couple weeks.
— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) September 1, 2018
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) September 7, 2018
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 5, 2018
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You're being so over-dramatic
Me *texting her back from motel room* am I
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) July 23, 2018
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) September 1, 2018
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
— Momarazzi. (@Mirimade) September 6, 2018
After 22 years my best marriage advice is don't marry someone who sets his two phones and alarm clock to go off at 5min intervals and then always hits snooze for at least an hour.
— Elisabeth. (@YourMomsucksTho) September 3, 2018
Wife: I'm going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can't remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
— New Lettuce (@newLettuce) September 4, 2018
If I ever want to make sure my husband won't see something, I put it at the bottom of the stairs with the pile of stuff to be taken up.
— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) August 1, 2018
My wife just lost her shit trying to prove to the computer that she's not a robot. How is everyone else's day going?
— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) September 9, 2018
Wife: Why are you so glum?
Me: It's September 1st.
Wife: I'm sorry you never got a Hogwarts letter.
Me: Maybe it's just running 22 years late.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) September 1, 2018
My wife says we have a Ninja mixer, but I've never seen it.
— Apathetic activist (@coketruck76) August 30, 2018
If at first I don't succeed, I do it the way my wife told me.
— Dad in Brief™ (@dad_in_brief) July 25, 2018
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is pointing out all the parking spots I missed*
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) August 17, 2018
I get my 10,000 steps every day just by walking around the house turning off the lights my wife and kids left on.
— Joel (@joeljeffrey) August 12, 2018
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