26 Hilariously Honest Tweets About How Sex Changes After Marriage
Sex after marriage gets a bad rap for being bland, predictable or totally nonexistent.
And while that isn’t true for many couples (as our readers have informed us), there’s no denying that your sex life does change after you’ve been married a while, thanks to kids, work, bills and other distractions and responsibilities.
The good news? These changes are totally normal, surprisingly universal and dare we say, hilarious in certain contexts. Below, we’ve gathered 26 relatable tweets that capture the reality of married sex.
If you've been married for any length of time, you've thought about grocery shopping during sex. Don't front.
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) February 15, 2018
Wife and I have reached that age where foreplay is just us describing things we'd probably do to each other if we weren't so achy.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) March 9, 2017
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
— eric (@ericsshadow) November 14, 2017
Just put on fancy socks and a night shirt with no food stains so I can try to seduce my husband later.
— Ashley Austrew (@ashleyaustrew) January 23, 2016
Turned my wife on last night by using the sleep apnea hose to swing onto our bed like Tarzan.
— Martin Munson (@wickedimproper) April 7, 2018
Husband just freed a few pieces of Cool Ranch Dorito from my hair while hugging me and this is how sex starts.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) May 13, 2017
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
— The Winegasm (@ohmygrapeness) February 23, 2018
Sometimes my husband spices things up by raising his hand to ask if he can see my boobs.
— Dorky Romano (@SuperApple80) April 7, 2018
My wife and I did it in bed for 2 hours last night. But we still didn’t finish the crossword.
— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) March 30, 2018
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) February 12, 2018
Family vacations are great if you ignore all the money you spend and sex you don’t have.
— not the WORST mom 🤔 (@nottheworstmom) June 10, 2018
Wife: *breathy whisper* Do you want to take my shirt off?
Me: *breathy whisper* I'm not wearing your shirt
— Eggzacklee (@Mr_Kapowski) April 10, 2017
WIFE: Wanna fool around?
WIFE: *puts on Groucho glasses*
— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) March 31, 2018
My husband just cancelled the plans we’d made for tonight without talking to me first and I’ve honestly never been more turned on in my life.
— not the WORST mom 🤔 (@nottheworstmom) March 3, 2018
Husband got excited thinking I was touching myself under the covers but I was actually just opening a Kit Kat I didn't wanna share.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) December 30, 2015
me: Wanna have sex?
me *unpauses movie*
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) November 2, 2016
ME: I thought we'd try something new in the bedroom tonight
WIFE: Oh really, I like that
ME: *holds her hands* Babe, let's tape the bed to the ceiling so we can sleep like bats
— Michael 🕶 (@Home_Halfway) December 19, 2017
Married pillow talk is just farting back and forth in bed.
— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) April 12, 2018
It’s pretty fun how we hit our sexual prime about the same time our husbands start tucking their shirts into their cargo shorts
— OldCardigan (@MizzusT) May 7, 2018
my wife & I just invented a new sex position called "when was the last time YOU washed the fucken dishes"
— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) September 2, 2017
Her: Is it in?
Him: Not yet
Her: Put it In now!
Him: Ok it's in
Her: And set the timer! Im not eating burnt lasagna again!
— Will Rodgers (@WilliamRodgers) May 23, 2016
Not to brag, but my wife and I broke our bed tonight.
We were sitting on it watching YouTube videos with our four kids, but, hey, still an accomplishment.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 9, 2018
A massage is a great gift to tell your partner, "I love you, but here, let someone else touch you intimately."
— Michael 🕶 (@Home_Halfway) January 18, 2016
Her: You breath funny when you do that.
Me: Just read your book.
— Jersey (@better_off_dad) June 21, 2018
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) August 7, 2017
My favorite position for my husband in bed? On his side so he doesn’t snore.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) November 3, 2017
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